I've failed many times when it has come to this. I'm sure at some point I'll fail again. I've learned that isn't pessimism, it is self love. Being loving enough to realize at some point again in my life I'll hurt myself in some way shape or form and stray from the fun part of healing and reliving that suffering once again. But the suffering is also healing. We dam this part of our healing journeys cause it's ugly and nobody wants to talk about it. I'm not all forgiving, all loving, all merciful at all times. Sometimes I want to tell everyone to fuck off. Sometimes I do. Sometimes my patience wears thin and I have to defend and protect myself. Sometimes I'm the one who is hurting others. All of this I face and accept. All of this I am aware of. Because of that I've learned where to draw lines for my own protection. And those lines aren't always pretty. I'm not always pretty. Taking ownership of that has empowered me. I'm not looking far into the future when it comes to my healing. I've committed to one week at a time. For now. One week at a time of alkaline food, of no nicotine, of no mind altering substance of any kind, of tons of water, of self care routines, of drinking tea, of alone time, of reading, of writing, and of doing my best at work. I'm not even getting into my emotional health because I think as a by product of optimal physical health that will naturally come. I use to think way too far ahead into the future of my healing. It gave me so much anxiety that I'd cave. Whether it was into bad food, not getting out of bed, going out and over doing it, smoking, or just hating myself for giving in to self destruction. My goal is to just be present. But for now I'm focusing on a week and it's the best and least stressful method I've come to thus far. Im 5 days in. I've been under a ton of stress but I'm not caving in. I don't know what next week holds. I'm not even thinking or worried about it. Next week doesn't even exist for me. But this week I'm being kind to my body no matter what. It makes me uncomfortable to be this public about personal things, but you know what I wish someone had told me this human process is normal. And so I share.